My Story
Here is a complete collection of my writings from 2008 - 2010 during my Troubled Teen Industry brainwashing instead of an about us page. My experience which ultimately inverted the meaning of love, family, trust and freedom. These letters, terrible songs, and journal entries are all I have. My pain on display for a hateful world, so survivors can see.
Confusion leads to clarity during a decent into madness. I searched for logic where there was none to find. My quest for freedom and love for my family lead to enslavement of the system. Conditions were put on unconditional love. I went to war for myself and against myself all in a desperate, sad but heroic, attempt to come home.
I did not write often.
It took 1.5 years to brainwash me. 7 years until I was attempting suicide. 8 years until I went Into the Wild and renounced loved ones and possessions. 12 years until I questioned if I needed the Family School. 14 years until i make this website. All that time without ever once thinking that it wasn't all my fault.
I convinced myself that "I" am a poison killing myself. Hidden under the abuse of the troubled teen industry is this poison injection. It rips ones identity and forces submission. It takes children and creates machines that doesn't trust themselves. That cant trust love.
This deadly ring of high schools, educational consultants, abusive parents, and troubled teen programs are flourishing today to the account of billions of dollars and thousands kids annually enrolled inside the United States of America. Inside of the nation these kid pledge allegiance to are parents who willingly giving their children to monsters and paying out the nose for the opportunity.
Imagine it's raining shit. Shit falling from the sky, everyday. You will protect yourself. Imagine the force of a one pounder coming down at terminal velocity. It froze in the clouds and is melting on reentry. When it hits, it feels like a rock, explodes like ice cream. It gets everywhere, you mouth, in your eyes, and it doesn't just wipe off. It tastes like shit. It looks like shit. If it was raining shit everyday, you would want a shelter. One strong enough to withstand the shit missiles. You are always fixing your structure, improving the defense after every storm. You become a student of the storms, they come everyday to battle you. You become intimate with how the shit falls, when it falls, the shit becomes God. Just until you are protected from it, you tell yourself. You gather the resources required and fortify. You build a good shelter and find peace from the storm, you have found happiness despite how hard the shit is raining. Then it stops raining shit one day and you find out it was never raining shit at all. It was just some assholes.
No one understands when you tell them about the storms. They've never stood outside when it was raining shit. They know it can rain water, snow, and hail. Well if it starts raining shit, best not be caught without shelter.
Here begins what was written back in time, in mostly cronological order.
06/15/08 [ Before Program ]
Letter to the Round Table
No plans or guidelines, spur of the moment and never looking back. This is how I, GP, live my life. I try to accomplish my goals by myself in the way I feel is necessary. I stray from others opinions and attempts to manage my life. Snowboarding in the winter is my passion and relaxing in the summer what I enjoy. However my life is composed of two things that have always been drilled into my young mind, work and reward. I am told to work and work, and I used to only want reward and reward. Now I try and get by with very complicated balance. A balance that pushes myself further but lets me enjoy this short existence to its fullest, I am a man who is not all about school and believes you can still have fun on the weekdays. Going to Cemetery Field on a Wednesday afternoon after I passed my math test to play Frisbee with some friends is how I get by. I try to relieve my hard work with a little bit of fun. I found through my friends that getting worried over little things is not the way to go. I believe that things always come around and will work themselves out, in ways that at first would not make sense. I go through the day looking at the things that make me smile and knowing that they all may go away very soon. It is the times that I wouldn't of missed for anything that diminishes bad thoughts from my mind. I live for friends and laughs, sitting by a late night fire and waking up to fresh snow, getting my grades and passing my classes. I am known to many as a lazy freeloader, hover they do not understand my methods of life. I want to enjoy my time as if its not owned by another. I want to live MY life.
"We consciously commit ourselves to support and engage an individual's unique gifts, passions, and intentions."
This effort to support the individual is something that really connects to me. It is more important to focus in on my gifts passions and intentions than telling me what to learn and how. I always have goals to make myself push myself. I use my gifts to follow these passions in whatever I do. Playing lacrosse has always been a goal of mine. However the skill needed to play along with opportunity to shine had not come until [ High School ]. I signed up to play and was completely lose for the first few games. However I stuck with it and can now looking back and be proud that I accomplished two seasons.
Throughout the last two years I have had moments where I wanted to quit, moments when I wanted to learn, but a log of moments where I just needed school to end. Freshmen year was a great year for me. I really liked my teachers and I feel as if I learned more than normal. We did a lot of real life work which interested me. There was one project that I exceeded on that was a 10 year reunion poser for our economics unit. I really enjoyed the fact that I was about me and my future. If there was one thing I did really well on all year was being a self directed learner. Last year was the most I've ever really stayed focused on my school work and I wish I could have kept that going. This year I strayed away from keeping myself on task. A lot of things happened this year and it was to keep my mind on school. I had periods of C's when I am used to Bs and that was frightening. So the self directed learned expectations did not come easy to me This is most evident in math class. It was hard to pay attention and make myself do my homework. The teacher didn't make it easy to concentrate and I slipped into a mind set of "I just don't want to do this". However I did work through this, my chapter four math test was on sigma notation and evaluation arithmetic sequences. In class I didn't really pay attention while we were covering the information and I never took it upon myself to ask for extra help. I ended up with an 89 on the test only because I was able to work through the problems. If I had pushed myself and been a better self directed learner then I believe I could have gotten a high A on the test. This learner expectation defiantly pushed my limits and I didn't enjoy having to be responsible for my knowledge, however in the end it seems as if I pulled myself back into my norm.
The learner expectations are something that I really don't care for. So much pressure is put upon me to reach these expectations and I kind of feel it unnecessary. However the collaborative worker expectation is one that I exceeded on. This year we did a Vietnam Video Journal where two group members and I responded to artifacts as if we where a Vietnam POW. The project itself interest me but the way I worked with my group is worth noting. I worked with Baylor and Jace, and we ended up with one of the best movies in the class. It takes work to get along with people that have other ideas, and it wasn't easy but I used this skill for the best. Instead of individually making parts of the movie like we were instructed to do, my group decided to do everything together so we could combine each of our skills to make a better project together. Taylor was the editor and picture finder, Josh was the narrator and editor, and I also did a lot of the editing. This is a goo example of collaborative worker because we were the only group to work on the whole video together. Everyone else did individual sections than had a teacher put them together for them. We combined ourselves and ended up with a product that earned us a 93.
In the future I hope to go to college that will suit my needs. I want a place is in the middle of nowhere, and has a real nature feel. I want to be able to snowboard when I want and not be slammed with crowds. To be able to pick a school that I will like I music push myself constantly. I have always been told I am extremely smart; I just don't work hard enough. However in my mind I am working hard but I guess it comes down to I can always work harder. When I think I have something great I must edit and redo. This has never been a strong trait of mine but throughout this whole division one experience I think I have learned that in order to achieve what I want in my life I must push myself. Push myself beyond what I think is good, until I have reached my Nirvana.
"If you aren't making Art you're making trouble"
My first entry in a journal in my entire life. I am sitting at the family school trying to find out who the hell I am. I know I like to snowboard and play frisbee. I know I love my parents and my dog and my friends. I know I want to pass school and go to college somewhere I can snowboard in-between classes. I know what I want, but is that what makes me, me. At the moment it seems like it is, but that doesn't satisfy me. I want to be sure of something more. Are morals where I draw the line of who I am, what about actions or words or thoughts. Those fill my mind everyday so is that who I am? During my heavy drug use I convinced myself that life was pointless. We were a coincidence that was a result the elements combining . Our existence was trivial in the scheme of the universe. A universe too big to comprehend that still must be inside of something, but what? Why is the universe even there and how did it start?
But now I know all this thinking is trivial. Who cares why I am here, all my thinking puts one up in space, up the nothing, and it takes me away from who I am because all I know is my life is pointless. I don't know who I am.
5 different lives
- Pro snowboarder
- Owner of a video company
- Musician
- A farmer in Holland/Austria
- Outdoors guide in Australia or the Amazon
06/27/09
Dear Grandparents
Before I was here I would never of imagined how much a few simple words on a letter could brighten up my day or provide such comfort, but now I am away from everybody and realizing I took too much for granted.
So you guys know know what this school is about just as much as I do probably, and so far I can tell I am trying my best to have a good attitude. I know my choices back at home were wrong and I know I need help, so I'm trying to work the program. However with my 18th birthday coming up and the question of me staying or not fluctuates a lot. I know what the right choice is but I cant help but fell shackled down and institutionalized. Its not that I want to go out and use drugs, but I want to be free, I want to see my friends, go longboarding, etc. However when I really think about making a decision to leave over making a decision to stay, I can't see myself betraying my parents, myself, my sobriety, because I can't wait 18 months.
There are a lot of really good guys here and with the help of a 6 months blackout sanction where I cant talk to anyone here less than 6 months. I am trying to surround myself with positive people. I am trying to keep an open mind about everything and when I get upset / depression, I pray and pray a lot.
Write back when you get the chance.
Love GP
4th step aka the dishonesty list
My Crazy Life
- Stole my parents car and eded up sleeping in a Walmart parking lot with a friend, got the cops called.
- Stole gas, canoes, lawnmowers, golf carts, drugs from my brother.
- Attempted to steal a car.
- Blew up peoples mailboxes.
- Spray painted cars, houses, mailboxes, bridges.
- Had parties at my house when my parents weren't home.
- Stole vodka from my mom.
- Always told my mom I was at one friends house when I went somewhere else.
- Sold drugs.
- Drove drunk.
- Had unprotected sex.
- Drive high like every day.
- Went to a class about drunk driving high.
- Got arrested for possession of alcohol.
- Faked drug test.
- Stole bikes from peoples houses.
- Told my mom I was dropping a book off at my friends so I could get out of my house so I could pick up from my dealer.
- Smoked on my school trip to Florida. Smoked cigarette walking down the street and once while we played manhunt, I was the only one to not get caught.
- I smoked on school property, in my car in the parking lot.
- I sold drugs in math class, during lunch, and in my car at school.
- I sold drugs during work.
- I brought weed and beer on my family trip.
- I got thrown out of my girlfriends house for getting caught having sex on her moms washing machine. Her mom threw my keys in the snow along with my shoes. I then had to drive home drunk because I didn't have time to sober up and lied to my dads face when he caught me.
- For about 2 years I only played practical jokes on my dad and made fun of him, then told me to stop and I never respected him for that, and I didn't know how to react with him after that.
- My parents found 2 ounces and flushed them down the toilet.
- I would leave school at lunch to get high then come back and either skip class, sleep, talk to friends.
- Snuck out of school then went back to sneak out my car to go snowboarding.
- Stole phones, iPods, cameras, wallets, and purses from school, then sold them on eBay.
- Went to parties that got busted by cops and had to ditch my baggie in an obvious place then had it dangled in my face and asked if it was mine, and I said no. Then I was the only kid that didn't take a breathalyzer and my parents had to pick me up at the police station.
- Should have got arrested for getting high in a parking lot but because I was a couple seats away from the weed and pipe I wasn't charged. And when I got searched the cop checked every pocket except for the place I had a bag in, then got put in protective custody [again] and taken home.
- That same cop in the parking lot was the same as the one that busted the party and he knew I was high both times but didn't have proof. He came to my house one night because my neighbors thought my car was stolen, and called my parents in Italy who called the cops. I got driven home by a friends mom and he accused me of stealing the car while I was high again. Which he knew again, but still didn't have proof. I got lucky again and nothing happened.
- I stole a dirt bike and rode it on a trail behind my house. This was my graduation present I thought until someone stole it because I just kept it in the woods.
- Freshmen year I went to a party with my senior brother and drank with them then lied to my dad saying I went to play laser tag.
- When there was nothing to do and nowhere to go I would hang out in my friends garage just because I wanted to get high somewhere. Then my friend got kicked out of his house, so we needed a new place to fall back on when plans fell through, so we built a tree house which was too small to have a party at but was perfect to just get high and be away from parents.
- Went long boarding on O.C., percocets, weed, and drunk all at once but didn't crash.
- Long boarded on highways and roads that could of killed me.
- Ran into cops while long boarding multiple times when I was high and or had drugs in the car, never got caught.
- When we had beer but nowhere to go I would drive my friends around and chug them then toss them out the window.
- Gought [ I misspelled Got ] chased by cops for B+E, vandalizing, blowing up home made bombs, and making Molotovs more times than I can count. At first one would come then two then three, all in the same neighborhood. But never got caught cuz we would somehow manage to get back in the house.
- I would have smoking competitions at my job.
- One night that I was staying at any friends we went to get alcohol then to another friends. I then had a girl come to pick me up and I left my friend with my alcohol figuring it was good compensation for ditching him, I told him to pick me up at market basket but since we were drunk he thought I meant a different store so we had to get back to his house in time for curfew, he never picked me, and his phone was dead, I had the girl drop me off at his house hoping he would be there. I had to go in and tell his mom I didn't know where her son was. Then after she was crying and freaking out, my friend came back.
Entry #2
If I was given unlimited resources and unlimited time to create something I would make an album with my acoustic guitar, and Gunther playing alongside. We both share the love for music and we play well together. I would write some songs and he would also. Then I’d have Bill, Bobbie and a couple other kids freestyle to our music. I wouldn’t want them to write it down and I wouldn’t want Gunther and I to plan the instruments. It would be a cd with a bunch of jams. This would hopefully prevent a cd made for the sake of being a cd. That is not how I feel about music. Music is freeing and beautiful. Just having instruments and a poet is real music to me. Another thing I want to create is a movie, if I was able, it would be a snowboarding documentary but a music video would be a lot of fun also.
One reason I might like making a song rather than a movie is the amount of work and time which would be really stressful at this school and the added feature of spontaneity of the song. You plan out, you don’t write scripts, you don’t draw out screen shots. Its just music plain, simple, but beautiful music. One thing that pisses me off is how much now a days
Sanity - clear thinking.
Admit - let in.
Surrender - I can’t change anything.
Will - dreams and wishes, the thing that makes choices.
Resentment - to re-feel.
Said the main who can see himself Ive gone through the high the lows And the times I try to gorget, forget But I know that life is not meant to forget
Just accept the things that are laid in your path For you to intercept, and accept
Take on the world as if its your own And you can be free, free Free from the chains and the Strings that are tied by society, break free
Said the main who can speak the truth He’s gone through the high, the lows And times to forget, but he side steps To the path he must pave After he’s walked to his grave But never regret Cuz the prints have been set And all he can do is keep walking along to the beat of his song And never forget, the shit that He’s been through it’s not to let go But to pass on the knowledge to a fool on the streets, admiring his foot steps Counting the times he’s gone out of the path he had in his mind The one as a kid he knew he would follow all of the time And asking himself, oh why of why do I have to die so soon in my life I need about chance, I have not lived our right I am human, and smart, blessed, and lonely at heart
Said the man who is real with himself happiness is found Through knowing what you tossed to the ground and since set in stone And is now in the past
To achieve what you need, let go of your thoughts, and know that you Must never forget, forget, oh
But all I need Is something to keep me moving on But what is this you say It is not enough for
Hey mr man man Why you over here What are you doing And what is your name
Hey mr man Im doing fine Perfectly content Walking a straight line
Hey mr kid why are you lying I see through your eyes No sense in denying
The truth is my word I only speak for a purpose I speak from the heart But I know I’m not perfect
That is the difference Between you and me My light is a beam Your light is unseen
I light up the dark In the middle of the night While you sleep in your bed All tucked in safe and tight
Falsely sleeping with the eye lids shut While your mind is awake and not in your phase in its normal spot
You may go away to the world away from the pressure chosen the words so keen to your comfort you expect to predict into the world so tightly fit
That you create for yourself A utopia serene But what is the problem When you are believing
Believe in yourself That was I was told How do I distinguish When my world is cold
Flying through the clouds but living in the ocean I live my life with not nonsense no negation You make my day brighter with devotion I’ll pay you back with love, care, and a notion That ill always be your windy commotion Sweeping away the clouds to see the ocean On an island secret paradise Where we dwell for the rest of life Say ill make you shelter, bring you food You’ll make me a smile and bring me good mood That ties me in and get me ready Without the clause my belly all jelly I need the support to stand up straight Without it
So I asked for your number That I had to remember To give me a second better chance And maybe take off your pants
And I will not forget the numbers inscribed above my neck Call me a man with a plan Or a man who takes a stand
Cuz I will not let you go This opportunity I know Is a once in a liftetime And I’m no longer blind
Cus I won't act on my thoughts My feelings bravely fought They tell me to dial fidgets Trembling fingers cant stop to fidget
And you answer with a tone That tells me hang up the phone But too much effort has been spent So I simply say to vent
And I’ve been walking a straight line Thinking of you is my own crime With no permission of your mom I know that I’m wrong
But I can not divert The crazy mind that I own All it can see are your beautiful eyes And they’re asking me to flirt
And I remember the first time You decided to say hi All I could manage was a smile Because my mind was running wild
With the thoughts of intuition Passed down for generations That have taught me to react By bending you at the back
But I know this ain’t right I most institute a light A little spark that will burn Long into the night
And the tears are automatic The microphone sounds of static But I wait and be patient To drop the question like a Haitian
And she responds with a sigh Id like to put your voice with and eye I live at the corner of straight Come pick me up at 8
And we hit it off
09/28/09
Dear Grandparents
I am sorry I haven’t been responding to your letters, or even writing back to you guys. You would think that if I’m stuck in the same few buildings all my time that id have some free time to myself, but its not really like that here. Everything is structured for us and our day is predetermined by our families staff. The only free time we have is about an hour after dinner before we go to the dorms. I have to use this time for study hall most days because my schedule is so packed with classes. One of which is journalism, that I really enjoy. On top of interviewing people and writing stories, I am uncharge of the layout of our paper (where everything goes) and I am also to video team which means I edit, tape, and produce everything for videos. This is also a 24 hr job and I am getting really stressed, but I know I will adapt eventually, Right now I am just trying to keep my cool and make time to get my work done. Please don’t stop writing I love it when I get some news of the outside world.
Love GP
11/02/09
Entry # 3
I have almost been here 6 months and I still don’t know what to do. I am stuck at an intersection looking all directions and seeing how each will all give me happiness, all that looking intriguing. So because they will all give me happiness I have to see what kind of person I would like to be and the correlation with that specific road chosen.
50% of me wants to give up, listen to myself, and go be free. I could stop wasting money and time because I don’t want to change, and I don’t see why staying here will help me stay sober. Staying sober is really the only thing I know I need to do. But what will allow me to fulfill that prophecy? Will this school? Will the program? Will being honest? In the end its all a choice that comes from myself. Nobody forces me to do anything. I am told I should not listen to myself. But why not? Is doing what I want wrong if I want to get along with people? Is that being fake? Or is listening to other people fake? I am told its the right way but who knows better? Do they? Do I? After all its My life. But am I different from everybody else. A lot of people can relate and I know from looking upon other people and their situation I know I can see clearer than them. But this is all subjective. Why do I know better than them. What do I know better than them. What is better about my image of who they should be, than their image. After all its their life.
We are all blank asleep Stuff we have to agree on first We are all different Truth is paradoxical We are all the same We all want to love and to be loved Same features
First step Life is the sequence of mental and physical events that up My experience Unmanageable - unable to achieve ones purpose
Step two Restore to put back in place Sanity - clear thinking Admit - let in Surrender - I cant change anything Will - dreams and wishes the thing that makes choices Life is now
Step Three Resentment - to re feel All resentments are lies because we think its okay that we are angry They are judgements
12/25/09
Merry christmas Grandparents. I hope you guys enjoy the holidays with the rest of the family. I loved the shirt and pajamas, and also the pad. Not 3 days before did I ask my dad for something like that to write songs in so I assure it will be put to good use. I appreciate all the letters and I am sorry for not responding. I will try to do better but pleas don’t let that discourage you from writing more. I also appreciate the prayers. Over the past 7 months I truly have tried to work on getting a spiritual connection with a higher power that has changed many times, from Mell to Knightly, to nothing I could name to god. I am still skeptical about joining a religion because I don’t feel like I am ready yet. I have been talking to catholic priest, Father Steven a lot, going to mass, and I actually went to confession last week and I plan on continuing going to rosemary, mass, and talking to father. I will try to write to guys soon to keep you updated on my progress, I love you.
02/26/10
Dear GP,
Your choices are yours and you will need to decide how you want to live your life. However you live your life is entirely up to you, but if you want to live it with half truths, drugs, and/or alcohol,
we cannot foster a continued relationship with you.
We have given you all our support, both emotionally and financially and at this time we do not want to talk with you until we hear you are committed to improving your life. Once you have made this commitment we will welcome your call.
Love Mom and Vin.
Dear Everybody,
I do not know how to write this letter. It cant be a confession, it can’t be an apology, and it can’t be an explanation or justification. I guess I just want to tell you what I’ve learned and the changes that have occurred. This is not to justify or manipulate. I do not know where you guys are, but I don’t know if you know where I am either.
As I was sitting in the corner after getting put on blackout with toys guys and Bree I had a very hard decision to make. Should I lay low and wait them to catch me in what ever they found out will find out, or should I make a decision to get honest for the sake of starting something new. I chose to come up for kissing Bree. I did not think it was possible to be completely honest for my entire life but I knew there would never be a chance at that with out a first step. So I made it. I then regretted it. I thought I was betraying love. I had to let her know I still love her, but I had to do more important things before I could be with her. So I wrote her a note summarizing those thoughts.
When all of this surfaced I was hit by shock. The world in my mind, that I had been living in, all of a sudden became inferior to the truth. I was like a horse with blinders on running around a mine field telling itself “I love to run” and ignoring the signs warning of danger. MY selfishness led to forgetting about my family, putting my friends to the test of honesty vrs loyalty, and lying to myself. These lies were telling me that I love her, and I want to help her no matter what. The good feeling I received from her attention was like a drug for me and I was completely unaware of its power. And I pursued this feeling. I lied to myself saying I was in love with her, when I was really in love with the feeling she gave.
This was all figured out through conversations with friends, but I wasn’t satisfied with that knowledge. Basically the only thing I knew about myself was that I didn’t have a clue of who I am. So I started seeking this knowledge. I started to utilize my sponsor Jim, Joe P, My Junior Melvin and all the other kids by being completely honest with them. There was, well is, nothing to lose anymore. Any thought I have, I expose. Any situation I screw up in or even notice a way I could potentially screw up in, I expose.
I have not apologized because I know it does not mean anything, but believe that I have a list that I know I need to make right. Instead of sorry, I can only express my immense gratitude for another chance at the Family School. It is unfortunate I can not learn through others experience or words. I sometimes have to experience to learn. However, I’m not wired to do that all of the time either. I still have strong desires to communicate with Bree, just as I still want to give up, and its hard not listening to them. Marsha is helping me learn to nourish that part of myself and over power it by acknowledging it and accepting it, but then moving on to what I am doing exactly in the moment. She says the mind is a muscle and I must strengthen it and I also am seeking this “self redization” through the 12 steps. I have completed a thorough 4th step, 5th, and 6th. However my 3rd is truly being tested right now with the threat of not being able top rejoin journalism. The thought of quitting fills my mind still, and it seems the best options at times likes this. However I am using what has been put in front of me.
I want to know who I am. I don’t want to be subject to my emotions. I want to use my free will in a non clouded, truly free way. I want to be consistent, and God knows all of this. He is testing me and showing me the truth. I am still scared however that I will lose faith because of my anger and give up. I have only failed before, so should I expect anything different, right? But this chapter of my life has no substitutes. I cant hide from those thoughts, I can’t mask my feelings, I can’t exchange object that I use as my god for something else. I have to deal with my shit in its purest form. But that sucks, so much! I’ve never done it before, I’m used to giving up when I have no other substitute, so this I new for me.
Right now I’m trying to find the balance between trusting God and his plan and doing my part of the equation. Its a fine line however, in-between giant extremes.
I would like to talk on the phone and explain this probably illegible and confusing letter, but also to know what has been going on with you.
Things will get easier if I don’t stop and I remain aware to where my mind is. I love you all so much and I’m sorry I don’t show you that.
“Most of our lives are faltering steps, not resounding triumphs” Rosemary Alabaster Assisi, Italy
12/10/10
Graduation Speech
Freedom has always intrigued me, I think ever since my father told me to get a 3.5 GPA in 7th grade, I fought against others expectations. I ran so fast and so far from others ideas, opinions, and views that I lost sight of the road I once wanted to take. I forgot that I was seeking independence, I was just running. I used their expectations as guidelines to contradict. If you told me to go left, id go right, and the worst part was that I thought I was making my own decisions.
I got sent to this school for the same reasons as everyone else, theres no reason to describe what I used to do. The only important thing is that I did not care about you.
When I came I was welcomed by a now good friend, Ryan. We sat on the lawn outside, and talked for two hours. This was more conversation than I had had in the past 6 months combined. I am not exaggerating. He showed me what a friend is supposed to be there for, to talk, to relate, and to care. I felt okay with my life for the first time in over a year.
I remember I began to tell of the friend, Mell, who had lost the battle with depression the summer before. I told him of the pain I felt for abandoning my two brothers when their girlfriends died within two weeks of each. I told him of the loneliness. I told him how I would wake up to the question of whether or not life was worth living, every single day.
He listened.
Friends like Ryan are pivotal to the fact that I am speaking today, but they are not the most important. The most thing is the answer to my question, the answer to why I should I live. I started praying, I needed guidance from Mell to make a different choice.
I believe my answer came in the form of a friend named Bill. Bill was deeply rooted in his faith and took me to my first catholic mass. Thats when I met Father Stephen. I remember the phrase he would chant in preparation to receive the holy sacrament. “Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word, and I shall be healed.” I went to talk to father and asked him how I could hear “the word” and he told me that it is not God that decides if I will be healed, the choice was mine. I say “the word.” He is waiting.
This simple sentence gave me what I had always wanted, the choice. No one told me to be healed or not to be healed. I didn’t think I was worthy but I was interested, so I started to talk to Father on a regular basis. Thank you Father for the love, the comfort, the prayers, and the lessons. Thank you for inviting me to the Rorate Mass last winter. I remember when I was walking up to the chapel at six in the morning, when to whole house was asleep and I was protecting a tiny candle against the winter wind. I was engulfed with the joy of the things I had in that moment; a loving family, real friends, and a tiny candle. I know you couldn’t make it today, but your face is not needed for me to feel your presence.
My most profound moment here came when my father again had an expectation and I again felt the need to contradict it. He was unhappy with my lack of commitment towards the program and the school and so he put a time limit on my stay. He was sick of paying for something I wasn’t using. He gave me one month to commit myself to the 12 steps. Three weeks later I was sitting in Mike Argiros office after getting caught for having multiple dishonesties. Mike said, GP you are on a 5-week work sanction, family black out, strict shadow, and you’re 18 years old. If you don’t follow the rules, we do not want you here, and your parents do not want you at home. What are you doing with your life? Again I was given the choice. Mike offered me help with getting a place to stay I were to leave [ at a cult called Eastridge ] but he stopped to ask me if and why I wanted to be at FFS. I thought about all the things I hated (dish crews, kitchen preps, cleaning crews, confrontations, groups; then I thought about all the things I enjoyed (true friends, honest communications, support from my family). I made the decision to give up my will to whatever plan was in play. My first step was to pick a sponsor who could always make me find the truth. I choose Mike Argiros.
Its interesting that while I fought against oppression looking for freedom I only increased my enslavement. It was only when I surrendered and said, “God, I am your dude. My trust is with you and I am willing to be willing; I just don’t know how,” that I truly broke free.
To my friends: You guys saved my life, it wasn’t until I found you that I could answer my question. Thank you. Mom, Dad and the rest of my family, I am sorry. Hopefully I can start to fulfill Gods plan because more than anymore you guys deserve the love.
Chris, the lessons you taught me about life will never leave me. Thank you for pushing me through my resentments, anger, self-pity, fear, laziness, and selfishness. Thank you for teaching me how effort, time, and persistence combine into works of art.
Marcia, Mike, Joe P, Jimmy K, I don’t know how you guys do it, but thanks so much for the love.
Rumi is an old mystic poet who once wrote a stanza that I feel summarize my journey,
“I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. Ive been knocking from the inside.
Ideas Sitting on a bus reading C.S. Lewis passages about God / suffering when there is a crash and Protagonist starts the search for what is behind the “Moral Laws” Forced Accidents
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